


The Hell We Call a Home

by KnightOfDestiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst No Happy Ending, Dean Being an Asshole, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Emotionally Abusive Dean, Emotionally Hurt Castiel, Emotionally Hurt Dean, Guilty Dean, Hurt Castiel, Hurt Dean, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Lucifer Possessing Castiel, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Poor Castiel, Post-Episode: s11e09 O Brother Where Art Thou, Post-Episode: s11e10 The Devil in the Details, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, not a happy fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-07-10 23:03:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7011790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KnightOfDestiel/pseuds/KnightOfDestiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>''I loved you,''Castiel murmurs, barely a whisper but louder than thunder as the words that Dean had waited, had longed to hear for <em>oh so long</em> slipped off of the angel's tongue.</p><p> <em>Loved?</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hell We Call a Home

**Author's Note:**

> I am extremely excited to finally be posting this! I had started this months ago, like in January, but I didn't like how it fit into the plot I was trying to write. So, I ended up modifying it a tad, and here we are!
> 
> So Dean is a complete and utter dick to Cas in this, so I apologize in advance. You'll understand once you read it. 
> 
> Also: this is NOT a happy fic. 
> 
> So, with all that being said--enjoy!

Dean didn't acknowledge Castiel the slightest as the angel burst into the main room of the bunker, not bothering to look up from his half-empty tumbler of whiskey. If it wasn't for the quiet mirthless chuckle he let out as Cas called his name, the angel wouldn't have thought the man had even noticed his presence at all. He shoved the reminisce of the bottle of rot-gut over in his direction.

''Well, look who it is,''Dean drawled, taking a long drag of the amber liquid from his glass. ''The _all powerful_ Angel. Come, sit.''

Castiel looked on warily, taking a cautious step towards the obviously intoxicated hunter. ''Dean, what's going on?'' While it most definitely wasn't unusual for Dean to be drinking, it was quite concerning that he was attempting to get _drunk._ He hadn't seen the hunter like this since what had happened to Kevin. His heart gave an uneasy wrench at the thought of the deceased prophet. Cas took a quick moment to remind himself that young boy was safe and happy in his own Heaven now that all the souls had escaped from the emprisonment of the veil. Taking a quick intake of the state of the room, Cas's concern deepened as he spotted the shattered glass of another bottle of alcohol that had obviously been thrown against the wall in a fit of rage, one of the telltale signs that something was very wrong.

''Where's Sam?" The angel asked carefully. It was unusual for the younger Winchester to be absent if something was bad enough that it was causing Dean to be acting like this

Once again, Dean let out that chilling humorless laugh that didn't sound right at all coming from the normally, well, _normal_ Dean. '' 'Where's Sam?' he asks. Well, Cas. Sammy's in Hell.''

Silence. A massive pit of horror settled in Castiel's gut like a stone. A sudden wave of nausea crashed over the angel, something he had not felt since his sudden... _attack_ of unpleasant memories all those weeks ago at the head of the stairs. '' _What?"_ he choked out. ''Dean, what _happened?''_

''A burning bush,''Dean muttered almost inaudibly, not at all replying directly to Cas's question, not removing his stare from the bottom of his glass. ''A fucking _burning bush_ and now my brother is in the Cage with Lucifer. _Again.''_ Before Cas could process, a ear-splitting _crash_ rang through the air, thousands of tiny shards of glass spitting back at him from the wall that it had been thrown at. Dean is standing on his feet now, chest heaving, the chair that he had seated on mere moments before knocked onto the floor. Castiel forces himself not to flinch.

''Dean,''he says calmly, like someone would to a man who had a knife to someone's throat, or was about to jump off the edge of the nearest cliff. At this moment, it was quite possible for Dean to do both. He prays to his absent father that Dean didn't notice the evident waver of his voice. _Sam was in the Cage?_ ''You need to calm down.''

Dean whirls on him in an instant, green eyes flashing dangerously in a way Cas was all to familiar with. _I don't think that's going to be a problem._ Cas couldn't supress the shiver that racked up his spine. _Not here,_ he pleaded to himself. _Dean needs you right now. You can't afford to be a burden._

 _''Calm down?"_ Dean repeated, storming up to him, fisting his collar of his trenchcoat and pulling him closer so that they were almost nose-to-nose. Dean's breath smelt of alcohol and stale smoke. Cas fought back the panic that was rapidly beginning to build up within him. _Dean...please._

It was Dean's voice who rips him back into reality. ''-in the _fucking Cage,_ Cas. So please tell me how I'm supposed to 'calm down' when I don't have the slightest clue what to do!"

''Well, not getting drunk and wallowing in your self-pity for one.'' The words left Cas's mouth before he even registering what he was saying. It was the truth, he knew, but Dean's look of betrayal and fury made the angel's heart clench and at that moment, he wished for nothing more than to take back those words.

''Go fuck yourself,''Dean snarled, shoving him away so hard that it made him stumble back into the corner of the table. By the time the angel looked up, Dean was already storming down the hall.

Twin blue eyes stared after the hunter, long after the hunter had disappeared from sight.

_Next time I won't miss._

***

Two soft knocks sound on Dean's door. For a moment Dean can't help but wonder if it was Sam, that everything that had occurred over the past few catastrophic hours were nothing more than twisted hallucinations of his alcohol-ridden brain. The voice he hears next assures him that everything in fact, was very much real.

''Dean?'' Cas's voice rings out from behind the closed door, hesistant but determined. Dean's stomach twists into knots, veins singing with a ghost of what may have been anger, may have been grief. Maybe a bit of both. His mind can't resist but to play over the crude trade of words that had been said between them, the knots giving one last painful tug.

He could ignore him, Dean thought. Pretend he was asleep; his bedside lamp was dull enough that it was impossible for Cas to see that it was still turned on and even so it was not uncommon of the hunter to sleep with his lights on. He could do it. Cas wouldn't push him, wouldn't force his way into the place Dean had made his home. The words that had been said that night would slowly but surely be forgotten, the uneasy tension that had been built between them would slowly cease.

''Yeah.'' Dean responds before he can effectively talk himself into simply ignoring his angel friend. He imagines the way Cas's hand would halt to rest just above the doorknob, the hesitation he must feel. It was no secret that things hadn't exactly been running smoothly between them; between the Mark of Cain incident and everything, to say tensions had been running high would be a severe understatement. Dean hated how he didn't feel an ounce of guilt towards that, hated even more that he couldn't fix things between them.

He hears the slight creak of the door as it is forced open, heaving heavily on ancient hinges. Dean doesn't turn around.

Cas stands there in the doorway for quite some time, never speaks a word.

 _It's strange_ , Dean thinks. That the silence that drew between them wasn't at all awkward. It was...peaceful. In his world of dying screams and gunshots, it was comforting to hear nothing but the gentle rasping of their breaths.

Dean's forehead drops, eyes fixated on the oakwood panels of his bedroom's floor. He doesn't dare risk so much as a glance towards the angel.

What was he so afraid of? That the angel would turn on him, shouts and curses full of venom and loathing? Or maybe he wouldn't do that, wouldn't even say a single word to him, fixing him with those piercing blue eyes full of quiet disappointment, more powerful than a thousand hate-filled words. Maybe he would let his angel blade slip from his trenchcoat's sleeve, beat him blue and bloody, finally succumbing to the urge to settle the score that rang heavy between them. Dean wouldn't fight him on that, wouldn't lift a god-damn finger.

Cas does none of that. He doesn't move, doesn't speak. If it weren't for the slightest sound of the _inhale, exhale_ Dean could have believed that the angel hadn't even been there.

When Castiel finally does speak, Dean can't help but start slightly with surprise.

''Why didn't you call me?"

Dean raises his head the slightest bit, waits for Cas to go on. He doesn't.

Dean clears his throat, stands. He still doesn't meet the angel's searching gaze. He knows very well what he was talking about, they both knew that. But still, he says, ''What d'you mean?"

''Don't play dumb with me, Dean,''Castiel snapped, taking Dean by slight surprise at the unhindered hostility in his voice. ''When you and Sam decided that it would be such a _brilliant_ idea to sneak into Hell and talk to Lucifer, why didn't you tell me?''

Castiel's anger only fuels Dean's own. ''I don't know, Cas. I guess it really never crossed my mind, when we're planning on going to have a little chat with _Lucifer_. It wasn't exactly the most important thing on my agenda.''

''Nevertheless, it would have been nice to actually _know_ what was going on, Dean,'' the angel seethes.

''Why? It's not like you would have been useful-''Dean regrets the words that slip out the moment he utters them. Even with him and the angel barrelling towards a full-blown fight faster than a freight train, he didn't, he _couldn't_ mean that. ''Fuck, Cas. I-I didn't mean-''

''Yes, Dean.'' The angel says. His voice is flat, though the edge behind it was as sharp as a blade. Blue flames seemed to dance behind the angel's eyes, flashing with holy wrath for only the slightest second before shutting them. That was all it took, all the anger that he held behind him deflated like a balloon. His eyes, once fierce and gleaming almost predator-like in the dim lighting of the bedroom were now dull as a corroded coin. ''You did.'' He looked sad.

Dean stares; all he can do is stare. But the angel is already turning on his heel, not daring to throw one last glare, not even a single glance. Dean hears the heavy thud of the door close and all at once he seems to crumble.

Unknown to him, as the hunter chokes back a new onslaught of tears at the loss of his baby brother, the loss of his angel, Castiel sits outside his door, his head cradled in his hands, and listens.

***

The word _defeated_ for what Lucifer did to the three of them could have been ranked as the largest understatement of the century. Dean was willing to bet that the fallen archangel could have taken them all on with _both_ hands tied behind his back. Dean's ribs gave a sudden painful jolt of agreement, only one of the many injuries he had sustained from this past afternoon.

 _We got out,_ Dean forced himself to be reminded. He had gotten Sam out of the Cage, away from Lucifer. Nothing bad had happened. Sure, a couple nicks and bruises here and there but nothing that couldn't be taken care of with a couple painkillers and a cold one. Cas may be in the wind once again, but that wasn't anything new. It wasn't as though the angel would exactly prefer to be around the elder Winchester at the moment. He'd come around eventually. He always did. It was _Cas._

_Nothing bad had happened._

Then why couldn't Dean shake the strange sense of a certain forboding that slowly flooded through his rapidly beating heart?

Everything was fine.

...Right?

***

As it turns out, everything wasn't fine.

***

Lucifer-- fresh out of the cage and gunning for the Darkness's head, is all snark and condescension and _vengance_. Vengance against Heaven, towards those who had cast him out eons ago, vengance against Crowley, for taking his rightful spot of Hell's throne, and most of all, vengance against those who released him from his eternal damnation, only to toss him back in the Cage.

He presses his heeled boot down on Dean's neck, just enough pressure to almost completely cut off his airways, leaving the hunter choking for air, staring up at what used to be the face of his best friend.

Lucifer's face splits into a feral grin, sharp as a knife and all teeth, looking all wrong on Cas's gentle features. ''Oh, Dean, look at you. Always the martyr. When will you finally realize-- _he's not coming back.''_

'' _Cas-''_ Dean manages out, only to be cut off as the devil gives him a swift kick to his side and _oh fuck, did that hurt._

 _Come on, Cas,_ he pleads silently as he bites back a cry of agony from his now broken ribs.

''He's watching, you know,'' Lucifer, _damn him back to Hell_ keeps talking. ''Watches helplessly as his precious mud-monkey is crushed into a pulp. The one man he's given up _everything for_ , begging for me to let you go. After all this time, after everything you have _done_ to him, the only thing he cares about is _you.''_

He yanks Dean up by his throat, and suddenly his expression twists into something that makes Dean sick to his stomach; his face, _Cas's face_ now marred by a horrible snarl of nothing but pure fury, lip curled and spitting in Dean's face. It was expression that Dean had never seen before on the angel. Maybe a fraction of it, a flash of anger here and there, but never, _never_ this. This was an all new sort of rage Dean was being introduced to, something that could only be created from centuries of rotting in Hell, waiting for the day where he could finally take vengance over anyone that had ever crossed him. Lucifer's eyes glitter in the dull lighting of the warehouse, familiar depthless blue staring back at him. Dean can't help but hold his gaze, the blue the only thing clinging to the one last shred of hope that maybe, just _maybe_ there was a piece of Castiel tucked away inside the vessel.

But then Lucifer begins talking again. His voice, both so similiar and different to Cas's it makes Dean's heart begin to rip at the seams just the slightest bit more. But then he's airborne yet again, landing in a painful skid as his back cracks against the metal walls of the warehouse.

''It makes me _sick.''_ Lucifer takes slow, steady strides toward him. Dean can't see him, can't bare to look into what used to be his best friends face, judging only by the quiet sound of foot-falls gradually drawing closer. Lucifer continues, voice low and growling. '' How far my brother has fallen, and for the likes of _you._ He lost his family for you, his wings, his _home.''_ The Devil is close now, but Dean can't bring himself to care. All he can focus on is the brutal, horrendous words being spouted from his mouth. Words that Dean _knew_ were true, buried deep, deep down but never dared to even muse about the bare thoughts alone. He _knew_ that he was the reason Cas had fallen so far from Heaven, that he was being hunted by his own siblings who wanted him dead.

''And in return--what do you do?'' _Stopitstopitstopit,_ Dean's brain screamed. The Devil did not stop. ''Mistrust him, throw him out of the only home he's ever had when he needed it most, using him as though he is no more than a tool, hold an angel blade over his heart, forcing him to die by the hand of the human he has sacrificed _everything_ for.''

 _Oh god,_ Dean thought, the realization hitting him harder than any punch, a bone-chilling coldness that rapidly began to fill his veins with unhindered dread. _I did this._

_My best friend said yes to the Devil because of me._

Lucifer laughs at him, and Dean _knows_ that he knows what he's thinking. Perhaps Dean's face was projecting more emotion than he had realized, perhaps the Devil had somehow dug his way into the hunter's mind; either way, Dean couldn't be bothered to care. He _couldn't_ care. Yanking the human up by his throat, Lucifer lifted him just enough for his toes to just drag on the ground, and _dammit_ he's really starting to regret not cluing Sam in on where he was going. Dean's eyes are closing now, perhaps from the pain, perhaps simply because he can't bare to look at the monster wearing his angel's face a moment longer. Lucifer gives him a vicious shake, forcing his eyes open against every fibre of will in Dean's body. The tell-tale grin of insanity is back, snarling right up in his face, Dean can smell the reek of sulfur emitting off his best friend's clothing and nothing has ever felt more wrong.

''But, do you know what the kicker is, Dean? The true reason Castiel fell from Heaven; the one thing that confirms that he will _never_ be able to go back.'' Lucifer's breath is hot on his face, rank with the coppery tang of freshly spilt blood that Dean suspects is his own. He tried to flinch away only to be pulled in even closer and Dean swears that those telltale blue eyes flicker a horrid luminious orange before returning to normal, so quick that the hunter could have imagined it. He can't bare to hear another word from the archangel, but yet something holds him raptured, even though every last nerve in his being is screaming at him; that the words the Devil speaks next will shake his very foundation to the core.

''He _loves_ you.''The Devil spits. ''He loves you and because of you, he will never go back to Heaven. He will never leave your side until the day you die.'' The archangel's grip tightens, powerful fingers crushing into Dean's windpipe as the hunter struggles to breathe. ''Which, as it turns out, is coming much sooner than anyone anticipated. Well--''Lucifer grins, blood painting his teeth a rusty red. ''Everyone except me, that is.''

Panic begins to beat it's wings faster, his heart a tiny bird fluttering it's wings furiously, struggling to escape it's cage with every thundering beat. Dean's vision begins to blot black as he stares helplessly into the eyes that used to be his bestfriend's.

_Cas._

His mind has both the most opportune and inopportune time to pipe up after being beaten into submission for so long.

_What about Cas?_

He can't leave him, can't let him continue to be forced to be the Devil's meat, to suffer whatever godawful things Lucifer is putting him through in his own mind. Not after everything he's been through, after everything _they've_ been through.

His jaw aches, _hell,_ his whole body hurts like he's been run over by an 18-wheeler, but he can do this. He _has_ to do this.

''Cas--''His voice manages to come out, raspy and broken on the end, but able to form the name all the same. ''Castiel--I know you can hear me...''

It's the eyes, he realizes. The one thing that Lucifer had all wrong. Sure, they shared the same vessel and call Dean crazy, but he swore that they were different with the Devil in control. Lucifer's eyes were cold, calculating, fuelled with unhinged malice and vengance, illuminating the normal gleaming blue of Castiel's eyes with flames of ice, stone-cold and without a trace of warmth. Cas's were different. These eyes didn't possess the renowned ethereal glow, the same spark that the angel had been emitting in that old, rotting barn, the day where Castiel had dragged him out of the Pit and introduced himself as a Warrior of God. Not even Lucifer could fake that.

Blow after blow, Dean's mouth filled with the sickening copper tang of his own blood, lungs heaving with effort in the endless struggle for air. Fighting back the sharp jab of agony, Dean opened his mouth to continue to speak. Lucifer would have none of that. One last bone-shattering punch to the jaw sent the hunter collapsing in a bloodied heap. Black danced on the edge of his vision as Dean's eyes fluttered closed and began to pray.

 _C-Cas? Castiel! I know you can hear me, so listen to me, dammit! I don't know why you made this decision, or why you thought that we didn't need you. But please, I'm telling you right now. We do. We need you, Cas. We need you back in the fight. I know...I know things haven't exactly been smooth sailing between us lately, and for that I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry, Cas. But please, if you really..._ He trailed off, Lucifer's words flickering front and center in his mind. He swallowed, throat bobbing. _If you really care about me, then please,_ please. _Cast him out, come back to us, man. I need you here._

The raucous laughter was just about the last thing Dean was expecting to hear. Forcing his swollen-shut eyes open and blinking the blood out of his eyes, Dean's stomach twisted as Lucifer leered over his crumpled form with that _horrible grin_ that contorted Cas's face all wrong. But instead of that usual thrill of fear, of rage at the sight of the Devil wearing his best friend, he felt...sad. Empty. Hopeless. Maybe he was wrong; maybe Cas couldn't hear him, Lucifer's hooks dug too deep.

Maybe he just didn't care.

''You foolish, idiotic scrap of wasted skin.'' The Devil snarled, predatorial grin remaining. ''Poor thing, beaten all to Hell, praying for his patch-work angel to come and drag his ass out of the fire. Well, guess what, Dean-o?'' Dean didn't protest, barely made a sound as he was dragged to his feet, feebly spitting a mouthful of blood onto the ground beneath him. Strong grip took hold of his jaw, yanking his head up so he stared face-to-face into the Devil's gleaming orange eyes as he hissed the words that made Dean's heart freeze over.

'' _Maybe he doesn't think you deserve to be saved.''_

***

Dean doesn't remember much of what comes next. He hears the familiar noise of a blade being drawn from it's sheathe, bracing himself for this impending blow that never hits. A great burst of light that makes his eyes scream their protest, the face of a familiar stranger leaning over his broken form. A gentle, _why was it so gentle?_ press of someone's palm to his cheek, the agony that was eating it's way into his soul, consuming him as his bloodied body began to shut itself down disappearing so sudden Dean could have believed he had dreamed the entire thing. He continued to muse upon the theory as strong arms swept him off his feet and he finally let his eyes blink closed.

***

'' _He loves you,''Lucifer hissed out, the vessel's features twisting into a horrible cheshire grin, all bared teeth and looking all wrong on what used to be his best friend's face._

Dean wakes up in his own bed.

That was the first thing he had noticed.

The second thing was that he was no longer in pain. The last thing he remembered was Lucifer beating him black and blue, holding his blade over Dean's heart. And then...nothing. Something or _someone(_ Dean couldn't help but hope) had stopped the Devil. But even so, the wounds he had recieved were superficial, Dean should have bled out a long time ago. Unless...someone had healed him.

That is when he became aware of the third thing--he was not alone. He started, instinctively reaching for the knife that wasn't there, only to find himself staring into those tell-tale beautiful blue eyes.

Castiel gave a hesitant smile. ''Hello, Dean.''

***

Dean doesn't reply. Can do nothing but stare, mouth agape with shock. It was obvious that Lucifer was gone, Cas must have thrown him out of his vessel in their fight. His eyes welled with salty tears but Dean willed them not to fall; his fingers itched to wrap themselves in that hideous beige trenchcoat, to bury his face into the angel's shoulder and never let go. But for some reason, the hunter couldn't bring himself to, couldn't bare to show an inch of weakness after everything they'd just been through. There was about a million different things he could have said in the next minute, a million different things he could have _done._ Instead, he blurts out the one thing he had been trying to figure out a gentle way of asking for weeks on end, the one thing that had kept him up wondering through all hours of the night.

''What the hell were you thinking?"Dean snaps, instantly regretting the harsh tone that escaped his lips, the way Cas's eyes go from gentle to guilty. He half-expects Sam to come running from down the hall until he remembers that he had convinced his little brother to go out for the night, to ensure that Dean wouldn't be followed by him. His mind was a whirlwind of one single thought reverberating inside over and over. _He came back. Cas came back to me._

Dean knows that he should be happy, maybe even celebrating. After all, he had just gotten his best friend back after so long. But all that he could focus on was the consuming blaze of anger, of betrayal. How could've Cas done this to them? To _him._

Castiel doesn't answer. His eyes are downcast, staring at the floor. His throat bobs as he swallows, another one of the human traits the angel had picked up throughout the years. On any other day, Dean would find it endearing; Hell, call it even cute. Now, it only fuels his anger, yet another piece of proof at how far Castiel had fallen from Heaven.

Dean tries to calm himself down, knows that Cas won't talk if he keeps going on like this, but his body doesn't obey. Cas's silence does nothing but set a match to the kerosene inside him.'' _Well?''_ he demands. ''Do you have anyth-''

''I was _doing it_ to protect you, Dean." the angel says suddenly, catching Dean off guard.

''Why?"Dean retorts, nearing a full-out yell. He's too far gone now, unable to reel himself back, even though deep down he knows how badly this could fuck things up between the two of them. ''Because you _love me?"_ he sneers, forcing himself not to feel bad as Cas flinches. Holding back his own feelings, all the while knowing that this could very well ruin any possibility of _them._ He needed answers and he knew exactly which buttons to press.''Well fuck, Cas, maybe if you pulled your head out of your righteous-ass that you would realize--'' _Realize I love you, too,_ Dean catches himself just in time before the words slip out. Instead, he says,''You wouldn't have to pull a typical Cas move and-''

''And 'fuck everything up'?"Cas interrupts him. His eyes were bright, Dean notices, bright and wet with unshed tears. Dean knows he has the set to match. ''So you don't have to clean up yet another one of my messes. So you can continue to be known as the hero, you and Sam, while I continue to be known as Heaven's Biggest Failure. Trust me, Dean, I know. I thought by doing this, I could finally make up for everything I've done in the past.''

''By sacrificing yourself?" Dean exclaimed, unbelieving.

''By what I do best--being expendable.'' The angel chokes on the last words, neither of them ready to admit that Cas was crying for what might be the first time in his life. _Over the selfish son of a bitch that was Dean Winchester._

By the time Dean has time to process what the angel had confessed, ready to deny the angel's words, Cas had disappeared.

***

He finds Cas in one of the spare rooms down the hall from his own. Ever since Cas had begun to stay at the Bunker more frequently now that he was on the run from the angels, they had encouraged him to pick a room to stay in. Even though he didn't sleep, Dean figured that it was the least that Sam and him could do to make the angel feel at home. After all, he had already been thrown out of two--from Heaven, driven from the only home he had ever known by his own brothers and sisters, all because Cas had chosen humanity over them. Chosen _him._ And second, when Gadreel--Ezekiel as Dean had known him by at the time had forced Dean to throw Cas, freshly-fallen and just beginning to understand how to live as a human, out of the Bunker. Even now, years later, Dean's heart wrenches at the mere thought alone. He silently vowed then, for as long as he had anything to do with it, Cas would never be without a home again.

He knocked, one, two, three times even though the door was already open. Cas was perched on the edge of the bed, back turned to him, but didn't start as Dean made his presence known.

''Can I--?''he broke off, because he thought it would be too formal to fully ask to come in, or if his emotions had forced him to trail off, Dean didn't know. Either way, it seemed as though Cas had gotten the message. He gave a slight nod of his head, still facing away from him as Dean took a few hesitant steps into the room.

''Cas,''he started, suddenly very nervous. ''Fuck, I'm sorry. You know I didn't--''

''I loved you,''Castiel murmurs, barely a whisper but louder than thunder as the words that Dean had waited, had _longed_ to hear for _oh so long_ slipped off of the angel's tongue.

_Loved?_

Dean is forced into silence as the angel continues. Cas seems to be just as anxious, just as pained as him as he speaks.

''I- have loved you for a very long time, Dean,''Cas went on, not giving the hunter a chance to cut him off, to somehow mask the tearing void of hurt that took a bite out of his raging heart with a joke and a pat on the shoulder. This needed to be said, and the time to say it was now. ''Perhaps ever since the moment I laid my eyes upon your soul in Hell.''

''I loved you even after all the times you mistrusted me, as though I could even muse upon the thought in some conspiring to bring you harm. I loved you even when I was working with Crowley, when you turned your back on me for what I thought would be the last time.'' Dean could practically see the holy white flames dancing in the angel's eyes, a well-worn memory now, but the pain alone was still so sharp, so fresh. He hoped, he _prayed_ that Cas would stop whatever this is, that somehow they could turn everything around, so that what Dean forsaw and dreaded to happen would never come to pass.

''I loved you in Purgatory, when every single one of your desperate prayers that I _swore_ I wouldn't answer was worse than any knife tearing into my skin. I loved you when Naomi was controlling me, how it was you that broke her seemingly impossible power over my mind. I loved you when you asked me to leave the bunker when I was human, even though I yearned for nothing more but to stay with you.'' Dean felt those words as a physical blow, re-opening the jagged scar that he had hoped would never be discussed again. But _this,_ this needed to be said. And Dean needed to hear it.

''I loved you when the Mark of Cain began to take root in your soul, staining it black and bloody. I loved you when I heard how you had been killed, shedding tears for the first time in my life. I loved you even as you held an angel blade over my chest, I had never been more relieved when I heard how the Mark had been cured.'' The more recent wounds hurt more than Dean had ever thought possible, finally feeling the grief, the regret he had been supressing even after all these months.

As Cas finished rambling on, he took a couple rapid breaths to steady himself. Dean was no better off. His heart was in his throat, his stomach twisting painfully into knots as he started to wonder just where this conversation was going. Before Cas could continue on, Dean interrupted, voice cracking with emotion.

''Alright, you love me.'' _I love you too, fuck, Cas. I do._ ''So what's the problem then?"

''The problem is,''Cas murmured, a soft edge to his voice that Dean was completely unfamiliar with coming from the angel. ''The problem is, Dean, that I am not truly a part of your family. I'm the outsider, the _expendable_ one.'' He spits the word out like poison, like it was a bad taste in his mouth. ''The one that always fucks everything up with good intentions trying to save you, only for it to back fire on to me. And then, how do you act? Are you understanding, are you grateful?' _No,_ Dean thinks, biting down on the inside of his cheek until blood fills his mouth _._ ''That time after time I continue to destroy myself for you, only for you to throw me aside without a second thought as to what I have sacrificed.''

''That's not true!''Dean bursts out, tears finally escaping their prison as Dean felt his heart tremor and crack. _It couldn't be true. It just--it_ couldn't.

''Isn't it?"Castiel whispers, finally standing and facing the hunter for the first time. His eyes held no anger, no hostility that Dean would have assumed would be there. Instead, there was only this quiet sense of sadness, a soft smile that didn't quite reach the angel's eyes.

Dean stares back--all he could do was stare back, hollow, uncomprehending eyes as every single sacrifice was pieced together in front of his eyes--of everything Castiel had been forced to give up because of them. Because of _him._

_Oh god, this was all my fault._

''You said yes to Lucifer because of me,''Dean murmured, eyes downcast and hollow, words just over a bare whisper echoing like thunder throughout the silence of the empty bunker.

''No, not because of you, Dean-- _for_ you. I will _always_ do anything to protect you, Dean, no matter the price I have to pay. And that's the problem.''

''What are you saying, Cas?" Dean demanded. ''Are you-- are you leaving us?'' _Leaving me?_

Cas was quiet for a moment. ''Do you want me to?'' he asks, voice barely louder than a whisper and just like that, Dean feels his heart shatter.

A fresh torrent of pain-laced thoughts blurt through his mind, _No, Cas,_ and _please don't leave me,_ and _I love you for fuck's sake,_ but none of those were what escaped his lips. None of those could have ever made Dean hate himself more.

''Yeah, maybe. I--I think you should, Cas.'' The expression on Castiel's face is what finally broke Dean, a complete mirror of the first time they through Cas out. _I'm not throwing him out,_ he defended himself, the words hollow and he knew were untrue. At least, the look of unhindered heartbreak on Castiel's face seemed to disagree. Dean knew that deep down, he was throwing Cas out. But, not because of the reason one would think. It wasn't over Lucifer, _Hell,_ it wasn't even related to him in the slightest. It was because Cas loved him, and he loved Cas. And because of that, he _couldn't stand_ to put the angel through any more heartbreak, _couldn't stand_ to see him sacrifice himself over and over for him. _Couldn't stand_ that Cas was dying over him; not visibly, but buried deep under the angel's skin, Dean could feel himself carving yet another scar into Castiel's heart. Dean had known, well before Lucifer, well before Cas had fallen from Grace that he was destroying him. He had _known_ , and he had done _nothing_.

Well, this. _This_ was him finally doing something. Even though none of them would realize it right now, even though it felt like a hot poker was branding their insides with grief and pain and heartbreak, Dean _knew_ that he was saving him. Saving Cas.

Cas cleared his throat. His face had lost the look of hurt, yet it still remained in those eyes. They pierced his chest, through his heart, leaving him bleeding out his sorrow and pain. ''Well, alright then.'' He was just about to go through the doorway, not sparing him a second glance, when Dean called out.

''C-Cas, wait!'' _Please, please don't leave me._

The angel turned then, gave him a soft smile, more of a grimace than anything else. Dean wanted, _needed_ for nothing more than for the angel to sit back down, to _stay._ Stay with _him._

''Goodbye, Dean,''the angel murmurs, and Dean finally let's the tears run free. But it's too late, Cas had already disappeared from his sight. Only the evidence of Dean's shattered and bleeding heart could prove that the angel had ever been there at all.

***

Dean had sat in that room for a very long time. Not moving, not speaking. Just _there._ Cas's words reverberated throughout his mind, those final two words engraved on the back of his eyelids, so everytime he closed his eyes, all he could see, all that there was, were those dreaded words. _Goodbye, Dean._

The words never left him alone in the waking world. It was as though they were on a tape recording and Cas was the one hitting the replay button, over and over and over. If he pretended, it was almost like Cas was still there. Only, he wasn't. He _wasn't._

 _And it was all Dean's fault_.

***

 

**Author's Note:**

> This physically pained me to write, just thought y'all should know.
> 
> Hope you guys liked it :)
> 
> Also, there will likely be a second chapter, just to tie up some loose ends so stay tuned if you're interested.


End file.
